Well, well, well …. Today I found out why I had such difficulty understanding the actors when I went to see Seminar in New York, and why I have been having such a hard time understanding my niece and nephew in the mornings when I take them to school, and why I have been so frustrated trying to catch what my coworkers are trying to say and why it sounds like I have a wet blanket draped over my head when I don’t have the hearing aids in …
I have had about a 20% drop off in hearing in my good ear. And not just hearing as in the sounds aren’t loud enough – nooo – the sounds are plenty loud with my hearing aids in but unfortunately it is a drop off in hearing clarity. That means that no matter how loud it gets I’m still not going to understand the words. It’s like listening to life through a bad PA system – its loud but it’s incomprehensible. What really got to me today is that is not fixable and it’s not reversible. That’s when the reality of all this hit. I usually joke about my hearing loss (as does everyone around me) but this got my attention. I’m 55. What’s my life going to be like at 65? Should I forget learning Russian in favor of ASL? Is there sign language for Spanish speakers? How soon before the hearing will all be gone?
I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, grieving over the loss so to speak, when I left work tonight and as I stepped outside, I looked up and there was Orion, his belt shimmering, Betelgeuse beaming, and it put me back in my place. Orion is my constellation. A desert dweller, I wait for winter and Orion announces its arrival. Last year around this time, I stood out in the night sky of Uruguay and found him standing on his head, but still there. There are constants in life. I will allow myself a certain amount of sadness but realized that in the eons of time that Orion has watched pass beneath his feet, this really carries little to no weight.
So I’ll ask people to look at me when they talk and not cover their mouths and bear with me when I ask them to repeat themselves. We’ll just have to wait and see what the MRI reveals if anything.