A MoonShadow MoonShadow

Archive for the category “rambles”

Mortality

I am aging fast. My mortality has become real to me. I look forward and see that at the very best I have 30 years left of life to live, realistically probably more like 20 years left of life and honestly, I could just as easily not see the end of this decade. I never counted out my time like this before. The future was this vast cavern that I was allowed to wonder through at my leisure. Now, the walls have narrowed and I can dimly see the back of the cave. I think my mom’s passing opened my eyes. Time is limited.

With that in mind, you’d think I’d be seizing the day, living every moment like a madwoman. But no, I sit like a deer in the headlights and watch time barrel towards me. Occasionally I snap out of it, shaking my head and realizing another week has passed and projects still sit untouched, things not written, people not communicated with. And then I shake my head again and another month has gone by.

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Anybody home?

Taking a deep breath, I tentatively take the handle of the door in my hand.  The brass is cold and turning it requires effort.  Pushing against the dry, grainy wood, I attempt to force the door to open.  It creaks its dismay and eventually gives in.  I am greeted by the musty odor of months of disuse.  A faint light from somewhere up ahead (I think it’s the Pee Wee post) allows me to see the spiders that have taken up residence in my absence. Their cobwebs provide a banner of silk string and dead bugs to welcome my return.

I clear my throat from fear more than necessity and whisper, “Hello, blog …. I wasn’t sure you’d let me back in.  I’m sorry I’ve stayed away so long. I kept track of you … really I did…. tried to make sure you were okay …” I wait. My words are met with dead silence.  “I’m back!” I say loud enough to scare the spiders.

From deep back in the darkened hall comes the reply “That’s what you said last time…”

I take a deep breath and flip on all the lights…

“Hi!”

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